What is that?

The best field sobriety test picture I could come up with at this time(and I’ve re-typed this line like five times now).

Moving on:

Carlos Zambrano makes his first start today(and they better fucking hurry up with these guys..I’m tired of beginning like this) in an effort to prove that he is the ACE of a Cubs staff that also features:

Seventeen game winner — Crazy low era owner Ryan Dempster.

Ted F’in Lilly — and his 32-17 record in sixty-eight games started(that’s right…every fucking game he’s been scheduled for He. Has. Pitched. )

Five and One –Rich Harden and his just absurdly low 1.77 era/.972 whip in Twelve games after coming to the Cubs. Fragile or not, he did this last year.

?????? — Yea, that’s kind of the thing…BUT,

HOLY SH&*T!

I’m not putting that voodoo on Carlos. Anyone who’s seen him pitch know’s what he is bringing to the table.

I’ve never seen our rotation from this angle. I’ve heard the talk, and watched the games, but seeing it for the first time(albeit a bit blurry) from this perspective I can’t say anything but–Goddamn!

Yea…HEALTH…Gotcha

I’m F*&ckin Drunk..I can do what I wants!

AT THE PLATE

It’s really a buffet, or of you like, bonanza:

Micah or Mike — Both sport a .400 average or above and combine for twelve rbi’s and six extra base hits(three homers) in twenty-seven at bats.

Ryan Theriot– SuperScapegoat is hitting .600 going six for ten with no walks. That’s putting the ball into fair play SIX TIMES OUT OF TEN!

Douchee singles hitter my ass.

They may all be singles but how many times can you get that f*&cking lucky?

(I’m drunk and now angry..excuse the extra profanity laden tirades)

Doug/Luis/Sam/Deeds/Fuld/ JUST EAT IT… — Up until today’s game(Padres Vs. Cubs 3/1/2009…Ok yesterday’s) everyone had been hitting, pitching, fielding, and or contributing in some way.

RBI’s from fifteen different players?

That’s as much focus as I can give you right now…if you happen to read this before I wake up  and correct it then don’t be surprised if it’s a bit more factual later tomorrow.

First pitch is at 2:05 central time

Against the Arizona Diamondbacks and this:

Brandon Webb

Dan Haren

Doug Davis

Jon Garland

Petit/Scherzer

OK, so not that intimidating, but that WEBB/HAREN one-two…OUCH.

You kind of have to look past the “awesome” copyright anti-infringement measure…

But I understand. It’s cool ….

And for the rest of you villagers–put down those torches and pitchforks.

I know we lost four to two to that blabber-mouth D*&ck and his pet.

It’s Okay

It’s only Spring Training. 

But today did have a bit of that, I don’t know–”Catch the F*&cking ball!” after-taste.

Did it not?

I mean, Dempster may not have walked  7/9ths of the roster( only one), but it does give you that same eerie feeling creeping up the back of your spine, No?

I realize I’m mixing games one and two of last October’s post-season meltdown together for my own narrow purpose but…

Come on!

HITTING

Ryan Theriot –You may have gone two for three today, but all you really did was play into your critics hands. The rest of your line read a bunch of sh*&tty zero’s, meaning your two hollow singles and .600 average didn’t make up for the two(fielding, throwing) errors and being the absolute reason the Cubs lost today.

But it’s cool…

I am not an Anti-Theriotite, just disappointed that today’s L in the loss column speaks more loudly than the actual facts( That Cubs hitting and pitching, all major factors in the past, put. them. in. place. for the win).

On the bright side — Aaron Miles grounded into two double plays today. So that means we can finally all go back to liking this guy.

Whew…

Mike Fontenot — Some people may think–”Oh, that is so cute! He thinks he’s a third baseman honey.”

But not me.

Mike went two for three today, both doubles, and scored one of the Cubs two runs. He is hitting .417(five for twelve, with four of those being extra base hits) this spring.

Reed Johnson –You Son of a Bitch! You went one for three and PUT. THAT. SHIT. DOWN. in center..until Fuld came in to pinch run ?

Jake Fox — I am so sorry Jake( error 1, fielding), but you did get a hit in three at bats. You even scored a run!

AND……..THAT’S IT?

Cub bat’s were pretty quiet against Peavy, with whipping boy Theriot registering the only hit in his three innings. It’s a disappointing outcome to be sure, but not a reason for this because…

PITCHING

Although the box score may not read it, Dempster actually pitched well. He may have faced a total of seven batters in the first inning, but his overall line was two hits with one walk and a K. Sooo–ledgies may be dropping like flies right now, but at least so did Padres hitters when facing…

ALSO PITCHED:

Chad Fox — The man with the oldest arm on the planet pitched a scoreless inning today, giving up a hit with no walks and a K.

Mike Stanton — Just plain old f*&cking old. Goddamn Pinella?  Stanton pitched a perfect inning– and then the sun came up. Ha!

Justin Berg — gave up the only earned run in the game. Some have called this move the “Gutenburg.”

Rocky Roquet– a hit a walk and no runs. Has never heard of “The Gutenburg.”

Kevin Hart — no hit and no walks with a K in one. Hart has bounced back and forth between the Major and Minor leagues the past year or so. Hart could be in the pen, but then again could not. Meh.

Marcos Mateo — His second(or third?) spring training appearance, he closed out the ninth with a perfect inning and a K. Who the F*&ck knows anymore?

With so many pitchers showing up in such a short time you can’t really get a good bead on who is doing what for now and what for the long run yet.

CORRECTIONS:

WBC– The Cubs are actually sending seven players to the classic this year: Lilly(USA), Fukudome(Japan). Marmol(Dominican Republic), Alex Maestri( Italy..and he’s actually Italian!), Soto(Puerto Rico)  Koskie(Canada), and Vince Perkins( Also Canada).

The WBC begins Thursday March Fifth in Tokyo, Japan with a matchup between Japan and China. Game time is 4:30 am eastern standard on ESPN2 and ESPN deportes. Cub Fans will finally get their first good look at Kosuke this spring, so tune in.  The MLB NETWORK will be carrying sixteen games over the course of the classic including, I would imagine, the finals to be played at Dodger Stadium.

The Cubs host the D-ba(gs)cks( are you kidding…are you really going to make it that easy Arizona?) at Ho Ho Kam tomorrow. On the mound in the first is….

CARLOS ZAMBRANO!

Making his first start this spring.

First pitch is at 2:05 Central Standard Time.

Today we are going to eschew what has become the “Original” format to talk about the three different types of major league baseball players, at least I believe, should be on every team:

The Super Star(Soriano, Zambrano)

The Fan Favorite(Ramirez, Theriot)

The Grinder(which is not my favorite term, but F*&k it, it serves my purpose here–Johnson, Fontenot)

The Super Star:

There can be some discrepancy as to whether or not these players always deserve the recognition they get–most have one or two great breakout seasons and then remain on the lips of every sportswriter throughout the tenure of their career–or– have the good fortune to play for either Boston or New York. Their playing time and ridiculous contracts are warranted by their production, but have a tendency to become a hindrance to the team as they age and their skills wane, often times becoming untradeable due to their bloated contracts(Sosa). But, during their hey day on your team they are an essential ingredient to have a winning ball club.

On the Cubs:

Carlos Zambrano — What needs to be said. To know Z is to love Z. His era has been creeping up and his strikeouts have been going down, but so has the games/tantrums ratio. Here’s to hoping  that he keeps his head on straight and that Bako has been working on his hay-maker.

Alfonso Soriano — The Cubs record contract left fielder with the smile that looks like he’s been brushing with bleach, Soriano has yet to play a full season for his oh-so generous team. He was intitially signed for his speed and power at the plate, but ,a string of leg injuries has kept his stolen base totals low and all the time off has kept his home run totals under the forty range. Has shown a bit of patience at the plate so far in spring(two walks in three official at bats) and has said his legs are finally starting to feel “healthy” again. He probably won’t fourty/fourty again, but thirty/any number above thirty is adequate for the guy who, when leading off, somehow coerces the team into an over .600 winning percentage.

The Fan Favorite:

This is the guy who’s jersey you bought and then spent the rest of the afternoon explaining who he is to non Cub fans. His skills, while sometimes on par with the super-star, are usually good enough to warrant an all-star game or two in his career and keep him a valuable asset on the field.

On the Cubs:

Aramiz Ramirez — Ramirez is not a super-star. Should he be? Probably, but maybe it’s his supposed lack of hustle, quiet off-field demeanor, or all the time spent busy fiddling with his cock–but he just hasn’t reached that status despite hitting over twenty-five home runs and driving in a hundred rbi’s in every season since he’s been with the Cubs. Ramirez is even more impressive when someone else is on base, with a .301/.390/.950(last is ops) line for his career. He is hitless so far this spring, but you know, it’s like, latin players just play better when it’s hot and shit. Right?

Ryan Theriot — if you’re a Cub fan then you know why and how Ryan got to be where he is today. He hit a shitload of singles. Critics say he isn’t a major league shortstop, he has no range, no arm, and is flat out slow-short- and white. Apparently Pinella see’s it differently.

The Grinder:

This guy just flat out plays, no matter when-where-or why. They also usually have a hole in their game as big as the one in Pie’s swing(ooooo…suck it B-more). Most often found in a platoon situation or as a defensive replacement or pinch runner to accentuate( some sexy talk about the Cubs) their particular skill set.

On the Cubs :

Reed Johnson — Nuff said. Seriously, the only thing I want to add about Reed is that I’m almost a hundred percent positive he is a product of super-scout Tim Wilkens. If this is what we have to look forward to then the Cubs are in it for a while folks.

Spring Training Unknowns –and now we have the link into the usual pre-game. See how I did that? These are the guys(Hoffpauir, Fuld, Rivas, Scales, Patton, Gathright) fighting it out for maybe one/two spots on the bench. Versatility is the name of the game here, and so far it looks like Micah’s bat and Patton’s arm are speaking pretty loudly.

Things to watch for:

Happy Birthday Hoff ! Hoffpauir turns twenty-nine today and is supposed to get the day off after seeing action in every game so far. Look for D-lee to get the start, or possibly Jake Fox trying to showcase his ability to play the field well enough to beat out the birthday boy as possible backup first/third basemen.

Jake Peavy –Who will not be a Cub this season, but will give Cub fans a chance to see what might have been .

Yea, everyone would have died. Is that what you want Jake? Is it?

Dempster — makes his first start of the spring in an effort to keep up the incredible work he did last season. Yukk Yukk–ya dork.

First pitch is at 2:05 pm in Peoria.

And for anyone in Chicago, Lucero comes to town May tenth at the Metro.

Cub prosperity has hit even the hardest working Sox Fans

“What’s it been like, a hundred years?”

“Say hi to Bartman for me”

“Joe Crede is waaayyy better than Ramirez.”

“..yea, if you mean by greatest fans a bunch of beer drinking fratboy yuppies who don’t even know the score to the game”

“CUBs S*&CK”

These are just a few of the inane, biased, and trite things you’ll hear come out of a Sox fans mouth when one even begins to screw up their lips and begin to breathe the dreaded C word.

Oh, forgot this one.

“Yea, if  by that you mean the “attendance world series.”

Which is a personal favorite of mine. Now I’m not saying all Sox fans are dumb and that all Cub fans actually watch the game–I’ve actually heard some pretty funny things come out of Sox fans mouths in regards to the Cubs.

But that isn’t what I’m about here(and I’m just way too tired to reach my usual level of mediocrity)

Aaron Heilman takes the ball today in his first action as a Cub since coming over from the Mariners. Heilman was the main piece in what is quickly becoming known as “The ANTI-LOU BROCK” Cedeno trade. I’m not even going to take the time out here to make a Cedeno joke, I’m just going to say that Cedeno will probably see about as much playing time as a Mariner as Heilman did( Aaron was traded from the Mets to the Mariners earlier in the off season). Heilman is involved in one of the few position battles in camp this spring, hoping to claim the fifth spot in the rotation as his own, but if he continues  to pitch as he has historically, it ain’t happening. But who knows–he could surprise. Word is out that he has great stuff,  to go along with decent command, but lacks the ability to be consistent. Some say he has an over-abundance of the “Marquis Factor”.

Yikes.

Things to watch for:

The coast being clear –so Lilly, Dempster, and Fontenot can let the air out of Ozzie’s tires.

See what I’m saying? I’m off my game.

PITCHING

Wherefore art thou Kevin Gregg?

Seriously, where the f*&ck is he?

We’ve yet to see action from the biggest off season pen acquisition, while guys like Mike Stanton and Ed Campusano are getting back to back game time. When Gregg was acquired the Cubs put the nail in the coffin of Kerry Wood’s northside career, to many a fans dismay(This Fan’s). So why haven’t we seen him? look for Gregg and fellow closer candidate Marmol to get alot of early inning time so they can face quality hitters in this farce known as “the closer competition”

It’s Day 4 of the Cotts Watch...and so far the coast is clear(see, I made it work this time)

Cotts has yet to see the mound in a spring training game, and to be honest, that’s fine by me. He’s a serviceable bullpen arm, and has the added plus of being a lefty, but nothing about Cotts says dominant or consistent. He’ll probably break camp with the team, but so what?

Things will probably be status-quo until first round of cuts start creeping up, so news in this section could slow down a bit as we see more guys more often.

HITTING

Micah Hoffpauir

Micah Hoffpauir

Micah Hoffpauir

Will he continue to tear the cover off the ball? And will a majority of those hits come later in the game against minor league pitchers that we already know he can hit.

Milton Bradley is out for the weekend with flu like symptoms. This may seem like the beginning of the end for some, but Bradley has only one at bat so far in spring training and what did he do? He drew a walk. I know that isn’t flashy to you, but it’s something the Cubs have struggled with as early as before last season.

FUUKKUUDDOOMMEE!!! I completely forgot about him. I’ll scour the net and get back to you with updates from Fukudome’s performance in the Japanese camp.

Luis Rivas He’s hitting .426 and he just might be ready to shed those Scales(ha, get it, Like Bobby Scales?)

Mike Fontenot –I believe Fontenot only got about twenty-one at bats last year against lefties, so look for how often and well he hits against southpaws this spring. Could be indicative of the amount of playing time he and Miles share at second.

Corey Koskie– Former Twins, Blue-Jays, and Brewers thrid basemen has signed a minor league contract. He will report to Mesa after taking part in the World Basebell Classic as a member of Team Canada. Koskie is a career third basemen with a lifetime average of .275 and some pop from the left side of the plate. Problem is he hasn’t seen the field since 2006 and at this point could be a less attractive alternative than Rivas.

First Pitch is at 2:05 central time.

Any MLB network customers out there should be sure to tune in March Tenth as the Cubs are going to be featured on the networks “Thirty Clubs in Thirty Days” program.

What? It’s science…

And in other out of shape, sweaty guy news, former Cubs closer Joe Borowski has decided to retire.

Borowski, a thirteen year veteran, pitched in both leagues as a reliever for a total of eight different teams.

But who cares about those guys.

Sweaty Joe will always be remembered by Cub fans as that one guy who was even scarier to watch close games than this guy.

And for his three years on the northside, most notably the 2003 debacle/division championship season.

So goodbye to you Joe, your mediocre fastball,  your “You’re a professional baseball player?–F%$K you” physique, and your “Really– Joe Borowski?” 2007 AL saves leading season.

And goodbye to this post that has been built upon being as lackluster and factually ambiguous as this guy.

Once again haunting Ho Ho Kam park in preparation for the 2009 season. Full squad workouts began at their Mesa, Arizona facility  on the 20th with only one notable name missing, that being their pirouetting, non-righty hitting, early season mania-inducing only to be disappointed/confused at WHAT EXACTLY IS HE SWINGING AT?! right center fielder Kosuke Fukudome.

But more on him later.

GM Jim Hendry spent the majority of the early off-season dodging rumors(Peavy…Peavy…Peavy) and courting the switch hitting, off-field headline producing Milton Bradley before kicking it into high gear on last day of 2008 by trading Mark Derosa to the Cleveland Indians for three pitching prospects. Trading fan favorite Derosa proved unpopular and left many fans feeling validated in their belief that Hendry is in fact a donut hoarding idiot(why it’s always donuts I don’t understand). He followed that move up by jettisoning:

An idiot(Cedeno to Seattle along with Garret Olsen for former Met disappointment Aaron Heilman)

A malcontent(Jason Marquis and his drain of a salary to Colorado for the Lovely Luis Viscaino, his 5+ era, propensity for drunk driving, and…being a malcontent)

The next Lou Brock?(more likely Corey Patterson Felix Pie and his inabiltiy to hit major league pitching to Baltimore for Heilman bait Garret Olsen and RHP Henry Williamson)

And another idiot(Rich Hill also to Baltimore for a player to be named later determined by his effectiveness…which means that player will most likely be hitting off of a tee and have to be in the house by dark.)

So what have we learned about Hendry this offseason?

*That apparently he considers Baltimore to be his own personal waste dump.

*That he coveted Bradley enough to give him a 3yr/30 million dollar contract(although the third year is dependent upon games played.)

*That Gabor (Paul) Bako must have seen him do something terrible because he is back in camp at the bargain? price of 725K.

*That if you can jump over cars then you can play for the Cubs. No matter how mediocre you truly are.Gathright Jumping Car.

He is projected to cover the quota of bench players being tagged out at second following a walk now that Cedeno is gone.

*He also signed some guys to Minor League deals like So taguchi, Mike Stanton..blah, blah

Im not going to touch on the Kerry Wood subject in this post. But yea, he’s gone too. To Cleveland.

In an effort to shorten what is already proving to be a tedious and long post here is what you have to look forward to in upcoming entries:

*Zambrano needs Lasik–Dempster jealous of His “Sweet Ass Looking” eyepatch.

*Johnson doesn’t think he’s better than Fukudome. His beard reportedly does.

*Short white guy or short white guy, who’s on second?

*The Bullpen/Bench , which is more boring?

*I love Geo Soto(Thats it, no lame joke.)

Spring training play begins Wednesday February 25th at Ho Ho Kam with Jeff ” The Shark” Samardzija starting against the Dodgers.(yea…F those guys), followed on Thursday and Friday by starts from Sean Marshall and Ted F’in Lilly.

Notes:

WBC- Lilly(USA), Fukudome(JAPAN), and Soto(PUERTO RICO) are the only Cubs still committed to play for their country in this years classic.

TV- For a complete listing of Spring training Games on television visit either www.cubs.com or you can link to this post from their message board(kindly provided by one of their posters)– http://www.forums.mlb.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?tsn=1&nav=messages&webtag=ml-cubs&tid=351492

Fuku- I told you I would get back to him. In exhibition play he has hit a two run triple as well as a grand slam against Nippen league team opponents. In how many at bats I don’t know, but I’m hoping it is two.

Interviews/Batting practice- Here is a link to Spring Training Interviews with Marshall, Fuld, and Cotts provided by mouthpiece sports: http://www.mouthpiecesports.com/blog/tag/Chicago-Cubs/

And here are links to BP from spring training:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RW3bRyPq0q4&feature=channel_page

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fn_b5BcH_ww&feature=channel_page

Thats it for my first post of 2009. I’ll be updating regularly with news, rumors, transactions, winning series recaps, losing series excuses and in general lousy humor and shoddy reporting. As I learn how to use this more I am hoping to be able to make it easier to follow links.

Sweetlou

It is a decent contract, but I would have preferred for it to be around $45 million total and not so backloaded but I can see why Jim Hendry and management did it this way. They had to break the $50 million mark or you know Dempster would have been very serious about leaving Chicago and signing with another team. By back loading the contact, it also lets the team still actively look at trading for Jake Peavy.

Say what Cubs Fans?

The Cubs rumors are still going around about Jake Peavy. However at this time it looks as if the Cubs will need a third team to get involved if they want to land Peavy. The Padres aren’t excited about the young arms that the Cubs are trying to send to the Padres. Peavy will either land with the Braves or Cubs and we should know before Thanksgiving.

Cubs Rumors

Ryan Dempster took the loss for the Cubs as he was terrible on the mound in his 4 2/3 innings. Dempster was not his usual self as he walked seven batters including there in the fifth inning before he gave up a grand slam to James Loney. The Dodgers also hit solo home runs off of Jason Marquis and Sean Marshall in the game while tacking on another run off of Jeff Samardzija.

The Cubs had nine hits in the game, they just didn’t get the big hits that the Dodgers did. Alfonso Soriano, Derrek Lee, and Aramis Ramirez only combined for two hits in the game. Mark DeRosa had both rbi’s for the Cubs when he hit a two-run home run in the second inning. The Cubs need more production and three or more hits in an inning to score some runs if they want to win game two.

Carlos Zambrano will take the mound on game two. Hopefully he comes out and gets ahead of hitters right away and the Cubs even up the series at one game each.

Cubs Baseball Blog

Ryan Dempster pitched seven innings but gave up a two run home run and a rbi single to take the loss and fall to 15-6 on th season. Dempster just didn’t get any run support as the Cubs offense continues to slump.

The Cubs were very impatient at the plate against Astros starting pitcher Randy Wolf as they struck out eight times and only took two walks in the game. They were up there swinging early in the count and did not have good success. I hope that the offday on Thursday lets the hitters clear their minds and they come back out on Friday and really hit the ball hard in Cincinnati.

Cubs Blog