You kind of have to look past the “awesome” copyright anti-infringement measure…

But I understand. It’s cool ….

And for the rest of you villagers–put down those torches and pitchforks.

I know we lost four to two to that blabber-mouth D*&ck and his pet.

It’s Okay

It’s only Spring Training. 

But today did have a bit of that, I don’t know–”Catch the F*&cking ball!” after-taste.

Did it not?

I mean, Dempster may not have walked  7/9ths of the roster( only one), but it does give you that same eerie feeling creeping up the back of your spine, No?

I realize I’m mixing games one and two of last October’s post-season meltdown together for my own narrow purpose but…

Come on!

HITTING

Ryan Theriot –You may have gone two for three today, but all you really did was play into your critics hands. The rest of your line read a bunch of sh*&tty zero’s, meaning your two hollow singles and .600 average didn’t make up for the two(fielding, throwing) errors and being the absolute reason the Cubs lost today.

But it’s cool…

I am not an Anti-Theriotite, just disappointed that today’s L in the loss column speaks more loudly than the actual facts( That Cubs hitting and pitching, all major factors in the past, put. them. in. place. for the win).

On the bright side — Aaron Miles grounded into two double plays today. So that means we can finally all go back to liking this guy.

Whew…

Mike Fontenot — Some people may think–”Oh, that is so cute! He thinks he’s a third baseman honey.”

But not me.

Mike went two for three today, both doubles, and scored one of the Cubs two runs. He is hitting .417(five for twelve, with four of those being extra base hits) this spring.

Reed Johnson –You Son of a Bitch! You went one for three and PUT. THAT. SHIT. DOWN. in center..until Fuld came in to pinch run ?

Jake Fox — I am so sorry Jake( error 1, fielding), but you did get a hit in three at bats. You even scored a run!

AND……..THAT’S IT?

Cub bat’s were pretty quiet against Peavy, with whipping boy Theriot registering the only hit in his three innings. It’s a disappointing outcome to be sure, but not a reason for this because…

PITCHING

Although the box score may not read it, Dempster actually pitched well. He may have faced a total of seven batters in the first inning, but his overall line was two hits with one walk and a K. Sooo–ledgies may be dropping like flies right now, but at least so did Padres hitters when facing…

ALSO PITCHED:

Chad Fox — The man with the oldest arm on the planet pitched a scoreless inning today, giving up a hit with no walks and a K.

Mike Stanton — Just plain old f*&cking old. Goddamn Pinella?  Stanton pitched a perfect inning– and then the sun came up. Ha!

Justin Berg — gave up the only earned run in the game. Some have called this move the “Gutenburg.”

Rocky Roquet– a hit a walk and no runs. Has never heard of “The Gutenburg.”

Kevin Hart — no hit and no walks with a K in one. Hart has bounced back and forth between the Major and Minor leagues the past year or so. Hart could be in the pen, but then again could not. Meh.

Marcos Mateo — His second(or third?) spring training appearance, he closed out the ninth with a perfect inning and a K. Who the F*&ck knows anymore?

With so many pitchers showing up in such a short time you can’t really get a good bead on who is doing what for now and what for the long run yet.

CORRECTIONS:

WBC– The Cubs are actually sending seven players to the classic this year: Lilly(USA), Fukudome(Japan). Marmol(Dominican Republic), Alex Maestri( Italy..and he’s actually Italian!), Soto(Puerto Rico)  Koskie(Canada), and Vince Perkins( Also Canada).

The WBC begins Thursday March Fifth in Tokyo, Japan with a matchup between Japan and China. Game time is 4:30 am eastern standard on ESPN2 and ESPN deportes. Cub Fans will finally get their first good look at Kosuke this spring, so tune in.  The MLB NETWORK will be carrying sixteen games over the course of the classic including, I would imagine, the finals to be played at Dodger Stadium.

The Cubs host the D-ba(gs)cks( are you kidding…are you really going to make it that easy Arizona?) at Ho Ho Kam tomorrow. On the mound in the first is….

CARLOS ZAMBRANO!

Making his first start this spring.

First pitch is at 2:05 Central Standard Time.

Today we are going to eschew what has become the “Original” format to talk about the three different types of major league baseball players, at least I believe, should be on every team:

The Super Star(Soriano, Zambrano)

The Fan Favorite(Ramirez, Theriot)

The Grinder(which is not my favorite term, but F*&k it, it serves my purpose here–Johnson, Fontenot)

The Super Star:

There can be some discrepancy as to whether or not these players always deserve the recognition they get–most have one or two great breakout seasons and then remain on the lips of every sportswriter throughout the tenure of their career–or– have the good fortune to play for either Boston or New York. Their playing time and ridiculous contracts are warranted by their production, but have a tendency to become a hindrance to the team as they age and their skills wane, often times becoming untradeable due to their bloated contracts(Sosa). But, during their hey day on your team they are an essential ingredient to have a winning ball club.

On the Cubs:

Carlos Zambrano — What needs to be said. To know Z is to love Z. His era has been creeping up and his strikeouts have been going down, but so has the games/tantrums ratio. Here’s to hoping  that he keeps his head on straight and that Bako has been working on his hay-maker.

Alfonso Soriano — The Cubs record contract left fielder with the smile that looks like he’s been brushing with bleach, Soriano has yet to play a full season for his oh-so generous team. He was intitially signed for his speed and power at the plate, but ,a string of leg injuries has kept his stolen base totals low and all the time off has kept his home run totals under the forty range. Has shown a bit of patience at the plate so far in spring(two walks in three official at bats) and has said his legs are finally starting to feel “healthy” again. He probably won’t fourty/fourty again, but thirty/any number above thirty is adequate for the guy who, when leading off, somehow coerces the team into an over .600 winning percentage.

The Fan Favorite:

This is the guy who’s jersey you bought and then spent the rest of the afternoon explaining who he is to non Cub fans. His skills, while sometimes on par with the super-star, are usually good enough to warrant an all-star game or two in his career and keep him a valuable asset on the field.

On the Cubs:

Aramiz Ramirez — Ramirez is not a super-star. Should he be? Probably, but maybe it’s his supposed lack of hustle, quiet off-field demeanor, or all the time spent busy fiddling with his cock–but he just hasn’t reached that status despite hitting over twenty-five home runs and driving in a hundred rbi’s in every season since he’s been with the Cubs. Ramirez is even more impressive when someone else is on base, with a .301/.390/.950(last is ops) line for his career. He is hitless so far this spring, but you know, it’s like, latin players just play better when it’s hot and shit. Right?

Ryan Theriot — if you’re a Cub fan then you know why and how Ryan got to be where he is today. He hit a shitload of singles. Critics say he isn’t a major league shortstop, he has no range, no arm, and is flat out slow-short- and white. Apparently Pinella see’s it differently.

The Grinder:

This guy just flat out plays, no matter when-where-or why. They also usually have a hole in their game as big as the one in Pie’s swing(ooooo…suck it B-more). Most often found in a platoon situation or as a defensive replacement or pinch runner to accentuate( some sexy talk about the Cubs) their particular skill set.

On the Cubs :

Reed Johnson — Nuff said. Seriously, the only thing I want to add about Reed is that I’m almost a hundred percent positive he is a product of super-scout Tim Wilkens. If this is what we have to look forward to then the Cubs are in it for a while folks.

Spring Training Unknowns –and now we have the link into the usual pre-game. See how I did that? These are the guys(Hoffpauir, Fuld, Rivas, Scales, Patton, Gathright) fighting it out for maybe one/two spots on the bench. Versatility is the name of the game here, and so far it looks like Micah’s bat and Patton’s arm are speaking pretty loudly.

Things to watch for:

Happy Birthday Hoff ! Hoffpauir turns twenty-nine today and is supposed to get the day off after seeing action in every game so far. Look for D-lee to get the start, or possibly Jake Fox trying to showcase his ability to play the field well enough to beat out the birthday boy as possible backup first/third basemen.

Jake Peavy –Who will not be a Cub this season, but will give Cub fans a chance to see what might have been .

Yea, everyone would have died. Is that what you want Jake? Is it?

Dempster — makes his first start of the spring in an effort to keep up the incredible work he did last season. Yukk Yukk–ya dork.

First pitch is at 2:05 pm in Peoria.

And for anyone in Chicago, Lucero comes to town May tenth at the Metro.

Rangers Shocked/Offended! Drop game 10-4:

To the Cubs Friday afternoon in Surprise…downed by the long ball. And who is supplying all of this power you might ask?

Micah Hoffpauir

Mikey Fontenot

Sam Fuld

That’s right, not an …irez , ..oto,..oriano in the bunch. Also not an everyday major league player in the bunch. I know spring training is supposed to be the time to let your farm guys play against a bunch of other teams farm guys and cast-offs hoping to make it to the bench, but considering the Cubs history of developing solid everyday position players a little excitement isn’t really unwarranted here. So in honor of that today we are going to start:

AT THE PLATE

Micah Hoffpauir — he went two for three today, one of those hits being a three-run second inning bomb. That brings his total up to two home runs and seven rbi’s in three limited action games. He is hitting .364 so far and showing that maybe his glove isn’t just an ice cream cone he duct taped to his wrist.

Mike Fontenot –everyones second favorite French Cajun hit a two run homer in the second and then knocked in two more in the six while legging out a triple for a total of four rbi’s. Lou was so impressed with Fontenot and his .286 average that after the game he and Pinella spent some one on one time together( I know, Weird. I didn’t know they were Asian either).

Ryan Theriot –speaking of the favorite son, Theriot started the game at short and went two for four with two singles and a caught stealing. That’s it. There is nothing funny about The Riot.

Sam Fuld – you probably remember Fuld as the guy who made that one catch that one time. Yea, that  guy. He went one for two with a walk and a home-run of his own. Fuld’s shot at making the big club is negligible at best with Hoffpauir hitting as well as he is and the presence of Joey Gathright. Could get a shot later this season if something goes terribly, terribly wrong.

Jake Fox –Fox got into the game today again, going one for one as a replacement for Micah at first. The club seems to be giving him a lot of  playing time, possibly in the hopes that he could be the backup at third considering the alternatives are Miles/Fontentot. Meh Cubs, I agree, Meh.

Jason Dubois –Dubois went one for five as the DH today, once again proving that he can hit–Just not the majority of the time.

Geovany Soto –What’s to be said? He sports a .500 average and  plays stellar defense. Today was his last game before reporting to the Puerto Rican national team’s camp. He says he wants to honor his country, but I think it’s just so he can get close to a certain someone.  Get em geo.

Luis Rivas — One half of the minor League monster that is Scales/Rivas, the former Twin went two for five while starting at third. He’s carrying a .426 average and may be a better answer to the defensively challenged Fox in the ” Hey Aramis, STAY THE F*&K ON THE FIELD” sweepstakes.

Doug Deeds –played the whole game in left and went two for five at the plate. Is apparently great friends with Jason Waddell on the island of “WHO THE F*&CK ARE YOU?”

RF –went a combined O for five. So Taguchi you are So mediocre. Robnett gets a pass( I think you know why.)

All in all the Cubs prospects are doing well. Things are looking good down on the farm, and the team may be able to go into the season with a 25 man roster boasting nine Cub system players(Theriot, Fontenot, Hoffpauir, Hill, Zambrano, Soto, Samardzija, Marshall, Guzman) being a five and four mix with more position players than pitchers. Take that Mark Grace.

But onto the main event…..

I know. It’s terrifying.

Thedodore Roosevelt Lilly took the mound today in the first and proceeded to bend Rangers hitters(and everything else) to his utter will. Lilly pitched two scoreless innings allowing(Lilly doesn’t give up anything…he allows) two hits and striking out only two. Those two were later found dead. Who says Lilly can’t be merciful?

ALSO PITCHED:

J.R. Mathes –two runs on four hits and a walk in two. Non-roster invitee, could be a pen arm. Then again maybe not.

Justin Berg –no runs on no hits with two walks and two K’s. Yep, sounds like a Cub prospect.

Ed Campusano –no runs on no hits and two walks. Seeing action for the second time in as many days, Campusano is a lefty and could be a good replacement for Marshall if he ends up as the Cub’s Five.

Rocky Roquet –yes, yes, he has an awesome name. He also has an 18.00 era and a ticket booked back to West Tenn. He pitched one giving up two runs on three hits and a walk with two K’s.

Marcos Mateo –no hits and no runs with a strikeout in one. First action from Mateo, is definitely headed back to High A or AA for more seasoning.

Jeff Stevens –worked the ninth giving up no hits and no runs with two k’s. Cub most likely to be injured in a Nancy Kerrigan style hit. Cub Fan’s loved them some Derosa( I did too, watch your back Stevens).

Stevens has so far turned in a good performance and could legitimately contribute to the big club this year, hopefully nullifying some of the “We Got Nothin,” talk. If the young Cub players keep producing throughout spring training it could give fans hope that the much maligned farm system may be back on track before we even get to see what super scout Tim Wilkens first crop can do.  Today’s was the last game for World baseball classic members Lilly and Soto, who go to play for their respective countries and give Cub fans a serious case of anxiety.

Tomorrows game is against the White Sox( if I could link you to a boo, just a disembodied recording of a boo, I so would right here) at Ho Ho Kam. You would think the game is televised somewhere, but if it is I haven’t been able to locate the information.  First Pitch is at 2:05.

This is what the Rangers did.

You’ve just been Chuck’d.

What is he made of–anti-diamond?(which is the opposite of diamond, and by my logic that should mean extremely brittle)

Ok, that’s a stretch–but he was pulled(by himself) from today’s game after feeling tightness in his quad during his first at bat.

A game that we won I might add.

Beating the Brewers 7-4 at Ho Ho Kam

THE HILL

Sean Marshall started the game and made a mild case for being the fifth starter, allowing (he’s a giver) the Brewers to collect four hits and a run while striking out one. Probably with that huge curve lefty’s like to toss. If you listen closely you can hear Aaron Heilman weeping softly into his pillow.

Chad Gaudin Another piece of the Harden trade(I do like to mention that don’t I?), followed by pitching two innings of his own and gave up(he’s not generous, just mediocre) three hits, a run, with a walk and a strikeout. I know he used to start for Oakland but I prefer to see him in the pen, or at AAA Iowa starting in case his buddy from the A’s(see..again) Harden goes down sometime this season.

ALSO PITCHED:

Carlos Marmol–a hit and a run in one. I think that one was a bomb. Yea, don’t do that Carlos.

Mike Stanton —  a hit a walk and a run with two k’s in one. He’s also about as old as this guy.

Kevin Hart — pitched a perfect inning. Eight more and you might be impressive. Probably starts in Iowa.

Chad Fox — No hits or runs with a strikeout in one. This is that old guy who’s arm keeps falling off.

Angel Guzman — A hit and no runs in the ninth. Way to go Angel. I mean it isn’t that bad that you’re nearly the same age as this fellow Venezuelan.

Overall nothing too spectacular. Most of these guys either have a defined role or are pitching for a spot in the pen. Most likely to make the Big Club: Gaudin, Hart, Marmol(of course). Most likely to die on field: Stanton. Guzman is out of options I believe, so for him to avoid going the way of the Oriole he better pick it up.

AT BAT

The Cubs up their total runs today to twelve(7-4) led by a Fox and a Hare(Gathright, because he jumps high…get it? Ehhh). Jake Fox, who started at first, hit a three run shot in the third and Gathright led off going three for three with one stolen base and one caught stealing.

Aaron Miles — started at second and went one for four with an rbi. Good for you Aaron, now go sit on the bench and let Fontenot have a turn.

Richie Robnett –went one for two with an rbi. Not a chance he makes the roster but at least we got something for Wuertz. He played right.

Micah Hoffpauir–one for four while starting in left. Why do you insist on trying to play positions manned by heavily bloated contracts Micah? Why?

Jake Fox –two for three with a fucking BOMMMB. Played first…badly.

Dwayne Barney – a hit and a run scored while playing short. In five at bats though Dwayne? Will definitely be in the minors by mid march.

Chad Gaudin –a double in his only at bat. Known to  tell friends he wants to be the “New Jason Marquis” Those friends have since been traded to Colorado.

It’s alway nice to beat up on the Brewers, especially against their supposed can’t miss Gallardo.

Nothing too earth shattering came from today’s game. Fox played well, but considering his age and defensive limitations, he just isn’t likely to beat out Hoffpauir. He would be a welcome backup for third , and in case of emergency backup catcher, but I just don’t see it happening unless he really turns it on. Joey Gathright had a good game, but until he can keep it up on a daily basis I’m not buying it. His speed would be a plus on a team led by a guy who was caught thirteen(or seventeen) times last year. STOP RUNNING RYAN.

The Cubs are in Surprise tomorrow to take on the Rangers. Game starts at 2:05 Central and can be listened to on WGN 720 am.

I was going to make a Prince Fielder is fat joke here but I already blew that load on Sabathia.

This is what the Brewers did.

1. The time alloted before the start of an event where players and or coaches review strategy and overall  organizational coherence.

2. The time alloted before the start of an event dedicated to fans gathering and drinking heavily therefore avoiding outrageous stadium alcohol prices.

3. Two University of Wyoming coeds dancing and sipping from a bottle of crown while you wait four hours to go to a bar that oddly enough also hosted shots of crown and music for dancing(this is the one I’m stuck with since it was the first time I’d ever heard it used this way. Needless to say “pre-gaming” isn’t in my lexicon.)

…In an effort to keep this one short(The game starts in like twenty minutes) I am going to give you some basic things to look for:

Sean Marshall starts todays game. He is considered the favorite for the fifth spot in the rotation, but some critics prefer him in the role he played last year, long reliever and swing man out of the pen. With Marshall in the rotation that leaves Neal Cotts as the only true bullpen lefty.

No bueno.

3rd Base The departure of Derosa has left many wondering who is going to backup Aramiz Ramirez when he inevitably goes down with some form or another of leg injury. Aaron Miles is a competent up the middle infielder but has only started, I believe, six games at third in his career. Mike Fontenot has also been taking grounders at third along with converted catcher Jake Fox and the two headed moster Scales/Rivas. Some fans think it should be new Cubs super-prospect Josh Vitters to lose, but to them I have to say

F*&k it. Why not?

The Bullpen Ok, I know, that’s a bit weak, but it has yet to have been set and the aforementioned lack of lefty’s could make it some minor leaguer’s job to lose. Plus, Angel Guzman is back in camp. Way to go..umm…Angel.

Juan Cruz Former Cub is still on the market and has supposedly drawn interest from two teams. The Twins, now that Boof Bonzer is out for the year and… the Cubs. Problem with this is that he is listed as a Type A free agent and teams have been hesitant to give up the compensatory draft picks to sign him.

Well, it seems the game has been underway for an hour already, seeing as the game was a 2:05 central start, not 3:05 as I had previously stated.  You can listen to the game live on WGN 720 am or by signing up for MLB gameday audio.

F*%k You! Milwaukee.

The most notable players to be sent down are Jake Fox and Jeff Samardzija.  Fox will be headed to Triple-A Iowa and Samardzija will be headed to Double-A West Tennessee.

Others being sent down include:

Juan Mateo – Triple A
Ed Campusano, Luis Figueroa, and J.D. Closser to minor league camp

I think we will see Fox and Mateo called up and some point in the season due to injuries etc.  They will be some of the first minor leagues called up unless they completely suck it up in Iowa.

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